Internet Customer Support…….(a.k.a. We’ve got your money so you can go F#$% yourself!)….oh and have a nice day……

The other morning was a dark day for me. My Broadband connection was down for quite awhile. My Service provider had technical outages all over the place. So I called their customer support line. After being on hold for quite some time, I was connected to a surly customer support person who basically sounded like the last thing they wanted to do was to talk to my sorry A$$ at 0820 hours.

Being as pleasant as possible (which is quite a feat because without a broadband link to the outside world I feel incomplete) I explained that my service was down. The person told me that someone would be in the vicinity to check service because they’ve had numerous outages reported. I asked for an estimated time frame for restoration of service and was told “Well we have lots of customers without service”. Evidently she didn’t hear my question correctly.

Here’s the point. I pay more monthly for broadband service than many people in developing nations make in a year. I expect excellent service. Sometimes things are beyond control (i.e. a truck hits a junction box, Thermonuclear war, The Biblical Rapture, Paris Hilton winning a Nobel prize for literature, whatever). However I pay enough to have my A$$ kissed and a support person fake sympathy and sound at least a little apologetic when they rob me of productive time (I work from home).

They got the service restored eventually, but I get the following email today from my service provider (my additional retorts are in bold):

We see that you recently contacted us concerning your (Deleted Brand name) High-Speed Internet service. Because we know that your time is valuable, we do want to inform you of some additional options for resolving future issues with your service that are as simple as 1...2...3 and are an added benefit of subscribing to (Deleted Brand name) . Well Ok then, they feel bad about screwing me. Excellent.

With Desktop Doctor you can analyze, diagnose, or troubleshoot your internet connection automatically with just one click - without picking up the phone.
Best of all it is provided free with your (Deleted Brand name) . subscription. Yeah, does your Doctor fix the damn connection when there’s no service? I’ve been in CS/IT related fields for almost 2 decades and that would be really something……..

Need Instant answers? Our virtual (Deleted Brand name) representative is available 24/7 to answer your technical support and customer service questions. Ask (Deleted Brand name) is simple and easy to use. Yeah, great F#$%ing idea F#$%tards. The next time my Internet Service is down, I’ll just log on and go to your virtual representative and get my answer.

With Live Chat, you reach an experienced Technical Support Representative any time of day who will be happy to assist you with your Comcast High Speed questions. This was the last straw. These idiots don’t have a flying F#$%ing clue about why I called, or how this would enrage me. It just goes to show they got my subscription fee and basically I could take a flying F#$% at a rolling donut. So in closing, F#$% you (Deleted Brand name) and your sh!tty support.

PS: Oh yeah, if you’re curious which ISP I’m talking about, just replace all of the (Deleted Brand name) with Comcast….

Gosh Mickey, isn’t it fun to break and enter illegally into someone’s house? (CLANG!!!!!!!) Ummmm…..Mickey?.......Mickey?

This serves as a warning to all vermin big or small. Tread on the domain of Kuka and be prepared to forfeit your life. You think I’m kidding? Are you saying to yourself, “Surely he must jest….”, or “He’s just talking trash….” or “Blah, blah, blah, there goes Kuka talking tough again…”

I submit the following:



Notice the lifeless eyes……

Mr. Mouse thought it was a good idea to encroach on my territory. Kuka and Mr. Fireplace shovel showed him what happens to violators.

Now let me talk to the bunny huggers out there (closely related to the dirty, stinking hippies). Yeah I could have captured him alive and humanely. Yeah I could have taken him across the street and let him go about his little mouse-like life.
But Mickey decided that my magic kingdom was better than his field. He found his way to my castle once, and could do it again with tactical information on how to better avoid detection, and he could blab to the other field inhabitants (rouge squirrels, ground hogs, other unsavory characters).

Listen up bunny huggers, I watch 24. I know how to extract information out of little creatures. Just be thankful he died a quick merciful death (or as merciful as a fireplace shovel can give).

Don’t say you weren’t warned………

To meet another crusader in the fight against evil go to http://whatjeffkilled.com/

Why bicyclists are stupid….or…..F#$% YOU AND THE F#$%ING SCHWINN YOU RODE IN ON!

Listen up bicyclists and heed the lessons imparted upon us by Darwinism. Your Huffy or Schwinn is no match for 2000 lbs of the Kuka-mobile’s Korean majesty. I don’t mind SHARING the road with you (created for…..hmmmm…..AUTOMOBILES!) but you need to know your place. You are not the alpha big dog when it comes to transport. I’m sick and tired of you a-holes cutting out in traffic and just assuming that I have no desire to turn you into a F#$%ing grease spot on the road. Because nothing could be further from the truth......

I was driving home from the market yesterday down a highway that had an entire lane dedicated to the two wheel terrors. When this F#$%ing moron on his “eco-friendly” transport leaves his dedicated lane (Which is more than adequate for my vehicle, let alone his Hippie “car”. AND I might add I paid for his freakin lane with my tax dollars) and encroaches into mine forcing me to slow down from the speed limit of 45 MPH to match his 10 MPH. Of course there was no way to get around this yahoo.
Look, I’m not hard hearted (Ok, at least not more than the normal person), if there was some sort of hazard in his special “lane” or something else I wouldn’t mind that much as long as he returned to his exile lane. But this F#$%ing moron decides he likes it better to run with the Bulls and stays in the Big boy lane for a F#$%ING MILE!

And just to be double clear, this wasn’t a kid. Kid’s sometimes lack the common sense imparted to those of us that have learned from our poor mistakes in the past. This was a full grown Hippie. I didn’t roll the windows down so I can’t tell you if this was a Dirty-stinking Hippie or a run of the mill Patchouli-stinking Hippie. Either way I’m sure his breath smelled of granola. And there was no mistaking his smug look of “I’m saving Mother Earth by riding a transport usually reserved for children” plastered across his Hippie face.

Far be it from me to wish ill will upon anyone…..(Ok you caught me, it’s about as far from me as my A$$ is from this seat cushion right now.) But I pray to the Gods of retribution that I’m present the next time this F#$%ing moron chooses to run with the bulls. I want to see him get the Horns………

Invasion of the Silver Foxes, or “You darn kids and your loud music”, or “Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up…”

“The baby-boomers are coming. The baby-boomers are coming.”

How can those of us in Generation X cope? My advice to everyone is to start buying stock in Buffets, Inc. (The parent company of Old Country Buffet, and Home Town Buffet because they will soon be more common than Starbucks), Procter and Gamble (the makers of Metamucil) and Kiberly-Clark (makers of Depends). Hopefully with the rapid growth these companies will encounter in the next few years, the dividends will offset the increased burden on our payroll taxes to provide Social Security and Medicare to our aging populous.

Ok, maybe that was going a little far so we’ll back up the bus a little bit. Yes the boomers are retiring. Yes they will exhaust the current reserves of Social Security. Yes there will be way more disabled parking spots in front of the local Wal-Mart than there are now. Yes the roads will be packed with slow drivers. But are these bad things?

Socially this country may change somewhat over the coming years. The all mighty dollar drives things like music, movies, T.V. and such. Studios make movies and music that will appeal to the masses, so with seniors making up the majority we may see a shift in the subject material of movies and music. Granted this will most likely be a minor shift, but most likely we’ll see a small ripple. I’m looking forward to more enticing movies like ‘Revenge of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood’, and ‘The Bridges of Madison County Strike Back’. I can’t wait to see new shows of Punk’d : Nursing Home edition.

Given everything that’s been written lately about the Boomers, keep in mind that as a society we survived horrible events like Y2K, the cold war, the new Gilligan’s Island series, ChiPs (Erik Estrada), The Anna Nicole Smith show, and The Bridges of Madison County movie. The boomers retiring won’t kill our economy, or degrade the quality of our lives. Things will just be a little different. But I’m buying up the stocks I mentioned earlier (and possible some Pfizer stock to cover the Viagra angle).

Fastfood trash talking......

So I’m driving down the road this morning and I happen to pass the place where 2 rival fast-food chains are directly across the street from one another. On the Westside of the street, we have, ummm…..let’s just call it Palace of the Freckled Red-headed girl with pigtails (or POTFRHGWP), and on the Eastside of the street we have the Kingdom of the Clown (KOTC).

I noticed that Eastside KOTC has signage up declaring their daily specials and sporting a breakfast dollar menu. On the Westside, POTFRHGWP has an inflatable sign (pointed directly at KOTC) emblazoned with “WE HAVE BREAKFAST!” This strikes me as an odd thing to brag about and I begin to wonder why the eating habits or morning rituals of POTFRHGWP would matter much.

Maybe POTFRHGWP gets the energy it needs to start the day right and provide excellent service. Or maybe POTFRHGWP is chiding KOTC for its reliance on a combination of Nicotine, Caffeine, Drugs and alcohol to get through its day.

I don’t know exactly where this is going to end up, but I foresee a time when there will be signs talking about the Clowns mother, and another calling the Red-headed freckled girl a whore…… Only time will tell.

DEATH to the Infidel Clown!!!!!

If I read about one more idiot claiming that McDonalds, Krispy Kreme, or Baskin Robbins made them fat, I’m going to go agro……..

If it is true that Ray Kroc and his empire of restaurants purveying greasy sub-nutritional food is to blame for the ills of society, then viva la revolution! Let’s all run down to the nearest McDonalds and chant “Death to the infidel clown who clogs our arteries, and makes our children fat!”

Wait a minute, lets step back for a second, Ray Croc wasn’t the first individual to think of applying the principles of efficiency, calculability, uniformity, and control through automation. Henry Ford took the concept of building automobiles applied the same principles and did it years before. Ok, our persecution of the clown can wait; let’s make sure that Ford makes no more cars! But all of the car companies use this method of manufacture so let’s destroy all of our automobiles and never buy one again! We’ll use Public transportation. Uh-oh, all instruments of public transportation are manufactured the same way, they will have to go too.

Fast forward to after we have wiped all of the evil things off of the earth (including houses/buildings, anything electronic, medicine, etc..). We’re left with purely organic things. At least we have agriculture so we can grow and eat healthy foods. Oh no, the process of growing food relies on some of the same principles we banished. Now growing food is prohibited and we all have to wander aimlessly eating berries and twigs.

Grow up people. Stop blaming your woes on modern conveniences. Each of us has a thing called free-will and it guides us in the choices we make. Make bad choices, get bad results. Make good choices and get better results.

Joggers..... Health conscience yahoos...or Scourge of the Roadway?

Ok….. I’ll just say this right off the bat. I don’t understand jogging. I’m a fairly sedentary creature (I program for god sakes)! I only run when chased and depending on who’s chasing me I might not run very fast.

So I’m driving home from my office the other night taking the back 2 lane road (with no shoulder and barely enough room for 2 lanes of traffic). And I come across this moron who thinks that he’s a car running in the road. I know what you’re thinking, but let me stop and assure you that he wasn’t an escapee from a Mental facility (At least he had swapped the gown for running shorts and a tank-top if he was).

This idiot doesn’t have the sense god gave the common dog when it comes to traffic avoidance. I’m assuming that he considered it his divine right to snarl up traffic and go head to head with the likes of cars, SUV’s cement trucks and construction equipment.

After waiting for 5 minutes for my turn to pass him (people this road is less than .5 miles long!) I had to fight the urge to clip him or outright just remind him of his place in the universe by introducing him to the inner workings of the Kuka-mobile’s suspension and power train.
Unlike him, I paid attention in physics enough to know that in a battle of supremacy a 2000lb automobile will beat 165lbs of granola chomping, soy drinking, high colonic loving Yuppie any day of the week…..

But alas I had someplace to be and decided that I would leave the privilege of that lesson to others down the road. He got off lucky…..

Next time another enlightened individual might not be as kind………

Why America is the greatest country on the face of the Earth!

Look people. All who doubt the supremacy of the United States need look no further than our first President.

The man, the myth, the legend.....I give you……….Washington:

Full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes!!!!!!!! Or the downfall of man part 3……

I think I was born cursed. I'm cursed to walk the lonely path of poor service in Fast food restaurants. I’m through pulling punches, the gloves have officially come off and I’m coming out swinging. Tonight let’s talk about a purveyor of “Submarine” Sandwiches (We’ll call them Underground Public Train, or UPT).

Now before everyone gets their panties in a twist, let me clarify. I’m only talking about one UPT in particular. Even though I have no love for that spokes a-hole (I ate 3 subs a day and look how skinny I am)…….My beef is not with the UPT entity as a whole, they make tasty sammiches (misspelled for emphasis) that my family enjoys eating.
My beef is with the UPT restaurant at the following location:

2910 SW 7 Hwy
Blue Springs, MO 64014

Here’s an aerial view from Google Maps:

Google Areail Hybrid map of UPT

Pulling up satellite imagery from Google shows the area and the picture must have been taken during construction. I’ll tell you what, with the level of service (or lack thereof) at this particular location, UPT would have been better off just leaving an open pit in the Earth instead of erecting a restaurant.

Every time I visit this place, it’s a tossup between which things the employees hate more (their job or the customers). Very RARELY do they have everything on the menu at any given time during the day. The supposed store hours posted on the door say 10AM-10PM Daily. Tonight I was there around 6pm. 4 hours until closing and during the dinner rush (although there weren’t many customers beating down their doorway).

I ordered the following:
(For my better half) Foot long Turkey on Honey Oat bread with Cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, and Mayo.
(For myself) Foot long Cheese steak on Honey Oat bread with everything and Southwestern Chipotle sauce (tasty).

The kid behind the counter snaps back at me (without remorse or kindness), we only have White and Parmesan Oregano bread right now. WHAT??????

I ask you, how can someplace that touts 5 types of bread in commercials with the funny and talented Jon Lovitz, be out of 60% of their bread choices? I understand running out of 1 particular variety (hell I’ll even believe that they’ve run short of 2 particular varieties). But only having 2 out of 5 isn’t a very good sign.

In addition the restaurant was in disarray it had appeared that the 2 employees (no manager in sight) had attempted to pack it in for the evening (4 hours before their closing time). Evidently I somehow ruined their plans by showing up during normal operating hours.

Now before I get a deluge of Hate comments, let me explain that I don’t hold the employees entirely responsible. The manager should have been there, and someone should have realized that they need to get their supplies in order with a quickness. I don’t know why the owner isn’t embarrassed to run a business in this manner.

This isn’t the first negative experience that I’ve had with this UPT. Let me put it bluntly, I’ve NEVER had a good experience at that particular location. I’ve taken it up to this point, but now I’m underfed up.

I will be traveling across town the next time ‘the better half’ wants a sammich. And if I can find a better or different sammich making outfit, I’ll change brands.

Damn it, I didn’t start this fight. But if it’s war they want, then its WAR they shall have!

It’s the Harbinger of Doom………

It’s the Harbinger of Doom……… When even the churches give up and acknowledge that they are no match for me……

Ok, anyone who knows me knows that I’m a great fan of clever Church signage. You know what I’m talking about (at least those living in the Bible-belt or Bible-trousers). Catchy phrases like “No Jesus- Know Fear, Know Jesus-No Fear” and “Hot outside? We’re Prayer conditioned”. However, I’m also an equally big fan of the nuances of language and implicit and explicit meanings. And in this gleaming moment, my two joys were combined in a synergy so orgasmic that……Well let’s just say I was tickled……

Upon passing one of the 10 (but it seems like more than 50) churches that fall within a mile of my house I took a special interest in a particular message one day: “Avoid Sin burn, apply Son-screen”. I had to do a double take so I turned around and drove past it again! I was frankly shocked that I have single handedly forced organized religion to throw in the towel. Here was a sign (and not more than a block from my house) that publicly endorsed my life of excess!

I believe what the authors intended was the following: “Avoid Son burn, apply Sin-Screen” which would (at least in my humble opinion) have conveyed a more appropriate message to the masses.

For those of you that have our “play at home version”, let’s work out the meaning of this miraculous sign together.

“Avoid Sin burn…”

A “clever” play on words alluding to Sunburn which occurs when skin is overexposed to the sun.
In this context it means: To avoid the consequences of committing a sin, or alternatively to avoid the wrath of the almighty after a weekend bender involving vice (Some of my favorites include Alcohol, Fornication, Gambling, Gluttony, Sloth, etc…). Basically think of just about anything that’s fun to do on a Friday night (Bowling, cow tipping and pitching horseshoes excluded).

“Apply Son-Screen”

Another “clever” play on words alluding to Sunscreen which is a lotion applied to said skin to block out the harmful UV rays emanated by the sun.
In this context it means: Basically reject the prominent figure and tenants of the congregation posting said roadside sign. Or to put it bluntly reject Jesus and the beliefs and teachings of said church.

Put it all together and the message basically states the following:

If you want to live hedonistically and sin at will, then we salute you and encourage you to shun our Lord and Savior. And you have our blessing………

The best part was that the sign was posted for at least 10 days (before being replaced by a sign proclaiming an upcoming Rummage sale).

Amen, I’ll drink to that!

The Downfall of Man Part 2

I thought that I'd continue this week's downfall of society theme. Whilst running errands this afternoon, I couldn’t help but notice that several vehicles had those "designer" license plates. You know the one's I'm talking about. ND4Spd, THNDR1, etc.....

I don't have a problem with showing pride in one's automobile. If the Kuka-Mobile were something to boast about, hell I'd probably get one as well. Nothing says cool, and would bring the ladies running quite like a vanity plate emblazoned with "UBERGEEK".

As with anything in life though, there are some corollaries to the rule. For example, if you get your wife/spouse/girlfriend/Geisha/Escort/Mistress/Dominatrix a vanity plate for their automobile. You better be darn sure that you either 1) Don't EVER drive it, or 2) Can live with the Stigma of what the vanity plate conveys.

I will give you several examples from my short 35 minute drive today (please remember that I don't have the time or energy to make this stuff up):

1) White Corvette (A pretty sweet ride if I do say so myself) with a vanity plate 'BAMAGIRL'. A gentleman in his mid 40's to Mid 50's driving, another gentleman riding shotgun (no females present in the vehicle that I could see). I tried to do the math, but unfortunately my liberal arts degree just didn't confer upon me the brain power to work out which one was 'BAMAGIRL'. Maybe each of the dudes takes turns being the 'BAMAGIRL'. (Who's your BAMAGIRL, Who's your BAMAGIRL)

2) A large lifted Ford Truck (late model) with mud tires, flaps, chrome as far as the eye could see. A confederate flag sticker on the back window, with Calvin peeing on something (I really couldn't make it out with the mud caked on the window like that). 2 guys wearing camouflage ball caps (I assume they weren't wearing shirts, but again I couldn't see). And yes people, they were wearing Mullets (Missouri Compromise, Mississippi mud-flap, Business in the front party in the back). Vanity plate said.......Wait for it, Wait for it.....SWTCHKS. C'mon it's like shooting fish in a barrel, SWEET CHEEKS? Nothing says "I am all that is Man" better than a vanity plate that says Sweet Cheeks.

*****
In sad news, If I could take it down for a moment. Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin has passed on. I for one will miss him. I enjoyed watching him and thought that he showed an amazing passion for life. While I didn't know him personally, I did enjoy watching his shows. My thoughts and prayers are with his entire family. He will be missed. If you'd like to read more about this remarkable man, CNN has a pretty good article about it: Irwin died 'doing what he loved'

I leave you today with one of my favorite parables. "It takes a child to Raze an entire Village" (or something like that)

The Downfall of Man

Wow, just when I though society was really turning it around, I get proof once again that we are doomed as a civilization. Case in point, my recent visit to an un-named fast food drive through (here's a hint. An item of delicious Mexican food coupled with an item typically found in a belfry).

Anyway....I pull up to the window (having just installed two infant seats in my car to accomodate my newborn twins) and the girl asks me,
"Ummm, do you like have children?" (Mind you the kids were not present at the time but I ask you, what normal person can't deduce that two infant seats in a car are something out of place for a single male?).

Without skipping a beat I reply (in a weird accented voice).
"Nooo, But I likes da childrens, they so soft and cuddly......"

The look on this girls face was priceless.....Her mouth hung open in horror.......

I try to cut service industry workers some slack. But sometimes you just got to have a little fun with it.

And to boot, they forgot my Fire sauce......Damn it!